I have never in my life made a new year's resolution. I found them silly, and not worth my time since, if at some point, I wanted to accomplish something, well then no better time to start than the present. It seemed ridiculous to pick an arbitrary moment at the beginning of a new year to make sweeping statements about myself in hopes of a better future.
This is the first year I've considered it, and quite frankly, it scares me. Because if I make such a statement then I'd consider it no less than being written in stone.
I don't normally fall into fear of "things to do". It is those times of fear that I generally grab it by the horns and hold on knowing that overcoming that fear will be worth it. I do not like fear. This may be why I'm so concerned with knowledge, with questions, and understanding my mind in regards to spiritual matters. This is very important to me.
As an anecdote, in the past year of health issues, I've really come to realize the way our health affects our mood. And not just in a sense of depression because crappy things keep happening. But there are parasites that instigate depression. A clogged liver builds up anger. An unhealthy set of lungs promote fear. Our bodies are so wired to our emotions that there can be no way that our lives are simply a response to what happens. Not even touching on any of the spirituality that colors it different.
I say this to show that fear has snuck up on me because of health. Because of such a dependent and depressed way I was in, it reconfigured how I was running my life so much, that I am petrified to even type out what resolutions I've considered for this up coming year.
But this year is different. With that bastard Saturn finally passing away from me, I'm given another chance to resume some order in my life and it just so happens to be at the beginning of a new year. Saturn is a topic for another blog, let me tell you.
So. In hopes of giving myself courage, I will preface my own thoughts with a statement to myself.
No matter what happens, Angela, I am proud of you. You are doing the best you can, and if you do not accomplish these things, do not consider yourself a failure, but rather strong enough to try again and give yourself something to be proud of.
Aside from finishing up my healing, which is a long time coming, and aside from finally assuming we'll be out on our own again, heaven permitting, in a different state, I hope to accomplish these few things for myself. For courage, self worth, and remembrance of what I can do.
1. I want to teach at least one herb class.
2. Make at least three new friends. (God this scares me the most.)
3. I want to laugh and be as I was before I turned 21. When I genuinely loved seeing beauty in the world, and laughed because I understood the joy to be had.
4. Get at least one book on digestive bitters and come up with three recipes I want to try.
5. (This one isn't as solid as the others, but what the hell.) Finish a rough draft of my book.
So there you go. It's written out and scary and what I'm hoping to do for myself. This is my period of rebirth and rebuilding the aftermath of Saturn's difficulties.
Love.
