Expansive

I'm afraid to try. 
Ultimately I'm afraid that the effort that I'll have put in won't be good enough. Because i do still very much see our accomplishments as being significant to our worth.  I see everyone on a level and there are clear winners and clear losers.  Most things in life are looked upon as not being good enough and always there is someone better than you,  so why bother trying. 

This is so unhealthy,  but i also see childhood as being the only opportunity available to break through this stuff.  As if at some point in our lives,  it suddenly becomes stupid and a waste of time to exceed our limitations.  Why?  Why do i see it that way?

I fear that I'll end up spending the rest of my life trying to simply get past all this shit.  That there is always more internal work,  or that something will always come up and I'll be in a perpetual limbo of mediocrity.  The one behind because i couldn't get my shit together. What kind of a life am i giving myself.  God,  why can't i look past all this and seek the heights I've always wanted to attain.
I could point to my old standby that i just haven't found what i want to do.  That i don't know where I'm going in life. I think i mostly debunked that last year though,  when i agreed with myself that i do,  in fact,  know.  And that every step was perfect in its coordination towards my future.  That i was learning exactly what i needed to.

I hate being so tossed and turned by these waves,  having more and more physical ailments and emotional baggage come up that puts the spiritual development on the back burner simply because I'm "overwhelmed. "
Light,  please insert into the situation.  If there are outside interferences,  i kindly remove them and return it all to the light. 

I'm a fighter.  I always have been.  I feel pathetically weak and behind right now. But I'm certainly not going to lay down and quit.  Not when i have such an amazing view of myself.  This light body,  ever expanding.  Never held down on this earth. 

Love.

Solitude

I feel,  more or less,  on my own.  That is what it feels like my soul decided when i was getting ready for this life. 

I am an independent soul. One that wants to travel.  One that never intended to marry,  let alone have a child.  (You can imagine how jarring that was/ is. )
One that recently discovered her asexuality.  (Equally jarring). It's like I'm meeting this person for the first time,  having the first opportunity of not having to succumb to what everyone else tells me i am.  Or,  what i suppose everyone wants me to be.  There are a lot of labels that help to put a pin on a map at that moment on the journey through the sea,  understanding the course will alter.  But it also feels like this can't possibly be me.  I never realized just How much i wanted to be independent.  Or how much of a different person i was fighting to be,  but never being allowed.

It feels lonely at times though,  and i don't know if it's because of who i am,  if i have some secret wording on my forehead that only our spiritual selves can read,  telling others to leave me alone.  Maybe I'm exuding that sense.  Maybe my plumb line for it is skewed because I'm including Internet relationships.  But I'm feeling passed over.

This can go deeper,  because of traumas I've recently learned and have been dealing with.  With these traumas comes new self discovery,  and uneasiness.  Remembering my worth,  my inherent holiness and foregoing the feeling of unworthiness and unlovability.
But it's difficult.  It's relearning social mores and acceptance.  Learning to trust all over again that whispers aren't being said behind my back and that i truly am being accepted and loved for who i am.  Even when i don't know who i am,  ultimately.

I feel like i don't fit in my life and body anymore.  I'm even more different than i was before and,  frankly,  i don't know that i like the person I'm discovering.  That person now has an entire life attached to her.  One that doesn't necessarily fit well with the souls discovery. 

I almost wish i could start over.  All of it.  My childhood, through my discovery of understanding myself and what i thought of love and expression.  A portion of me hates my life.  I hate the pigeon hole i got stuck in.  The decisions I've made and all that I've allowed to take over.  I've been gobsmacked by myself. 

Where do i go from here.

Overwhelmed.

I made a promise to myself that when we would move out,  I would go out of my way to meet other mothers with children around Felix's age.
I had wanted for a while to work on a farm. To get our vegetables through a CSA (community supported agriculture).
I wanted to start eating healthy again and caring about what I put in my body.
To have a neighbor like the one in Arizona,  whom we dearly miss.
To have space to forge our own identity again,  after it has hidden from us the past couple years. 
I had hoped for a place with a garage,  and a yard for a garden. 

And I looked at all of this with a heavy heart realizing Denver would likely not be able to accommodate given the slim pickings there were at the prices we could afford.
It got to the point where,  when we looked at this place,  immediately we applied because it was the first larger place we had seen that was clean.  The rest that we saw was a bonus. It was in a quiet neighborhood.  There's a park Directly behind the house.  It has a garage and a yard,  albeit small,  but we'll make do with the dogs.

We applied half a month ago,  and were promised approval soon after. So we went to San Francisco,  nervous, all the while building up all these fears about what was actually going to happen while feigning confidence.   Will we make it?  What if we feel trapped all over again in a different way?
Was it too rash a decision?

I spent the past month or so in a perpetual limbo of anxiety melting into generally not caring anymore.  I stopped mediating for the most part,  even though I'll still use certain techniques to calm down or send positivity or whatever.  But I felt like there was this bizarre flux period.  Where 'I' just needed to settle as things were shifting.  

So we move in,  and the first night in the house,  I feel like a meek mouse that suddenly,  somehow landed herself in a proverbial palace.  There's no way this is right.  Something happened accidentally and everyone will soon realize we shouldn't be here.  That kind of thing.  We suddenly have a large space to ourselves,  that we can personalize.  That we can use at our choice.  We are suddenly seeing our stuff again,  that we hadn't seen since Felix was five months old.  And suddenly,  we're meshing his life with our old life and it's overwhelming.  It's scary and I'm afraid for the pieces that don't fit,  because those pieces are all I have of any semblance of a string to pull to find my own identity.  It's like I became a mother all over again and I have to learn all over again who this person is.  It almost feels like I'm renting this stuff too,  if that makes any sense.

While unpacking,  I have had NUMEROUS moments of deja vu. This definite,  strong knowing that we are meant to be here.  (I actually had a pull toward this town when we were looking. ) I also kept in my heart that wherever we moved to,  was the place we needed to be.  (Brooke.  ;-) )

And now, on the third day of being here,  I'm signed up to work at a CSA farm for four hours a week for an insane and outrageously cheap price for fresh,  organic fruit and vegetables every week.
In two days,  I met and conversed with both of my neighbors.  I went to the park to meet three families with kids around Felix's age,  two of which started conversation with me without any instigation and were some of the most friendly people I've met,  further to have them say how we'll chat again as they frequent the park.
There are other things too just falling into place,  and it's frightening me.

After such a long period of dread, of feeling trapped and depressed.  Of not having any human contact outside of my family (and Internet friends), I'm being bombarded with this amazing and overwhelming situation and place and I am petrified that example I used earlier is going to happen.  Someone will realize they made a mistake and we actually need to pack up our stuff again and move out. We had our moment of glory,  time for more things to "build character. "

It's overwhelming that we can meagerly make things work through one salary,  and I feel vulnerable not being the one making the money that is making this happen.

I'm afraid that at every turn someone's going to stop by and fine us for not mowing the lawn well enough (or soon enough),  or point out things I missed at the move in inspection,  so we'll have to pay for a complete replacement.  That I'll drop the ball on the one thing holding this miraculous instance together. 

I feel like I can't appreciate it enough,  and it's all happening so fast,  so how could I? That it'll be over before I can even grasp it.

I'm going to lay down now,  I think.  As I try to do when I just need to settle.  Thank you,  whoever reads this.  I'll be fine.  I know I'm a strong warrior.  I know life is what it is. 

Love.  <3

I think I've got it.

By George,  i think I've figured it out.  Haha at least the part that was confusing me.  I think. Haha

There are elements that confer grace.  Things like empathy,  compassion,  forgiveness,  mercy.  These things are noticed when you are dealing with a person.  It could be someone else you need to forgive,  it could be yourself you need to give compassion to.  They are fluid and mobile.  Whereas,  in boredom,  you are very static.  (I forgot to mention before that boredom is something I've been trying to understand in a spiritual way). With that static feeling,  it's still necessary to feel gratefulness and while you can do it,  with just sitting thinking of things you are grateful for,  there isn't necessarily a fluidity that allows grace to transmute the...  heck i don't even know.  I've never liked boredom which is why my mind is trying,  searching for things to work on.  Idle hands and all that stuff being "bad".

It doesn't allow flow as easily as the movement of events and life which is why we are so quick to decry it.

Humbleness is something to potentially practice in those times... humbleness isn't "directed" at anyone in particular necessarily.  And it could still confer grace.

Heck,  maybe that's part of the challenge with boredom.  Simply learning to go through it in that sweet spot of rest, love,  and contentment. 
Say it with me,  "but it's so booooorrriiinnnnggggg."

Okay.  Need to think on this more. 

Love.

Personable relationship

I have been thinking a lot about a lot of things.  About gratefulness.  About love and blessings.  All that.
And lately I've been pondering the idea that source was made into an entity,  or a... personified being (a "God") for sake of understanding. I want to espouse on this a little now to work out some thoughts.

I'm finding gratefulness to snowball.  Like,  it's pretty easy now to pull myself into a space of contentment with what there is and general happiness in understanding the greater idea of source and love. But when considering manifestation,  I've been faltering because there is the idea that we deserve it all,  we are a piece of source incarnate,  and therefore,  it is all ours. The light within us,  (the "god" within us)  is wealth.  It is love and truth and all that happy jazz.  So it's a little harder to marry the idea that we should have all that while still being grateful and humbled and understanding that source and our lives on this plane are here to teach us.  In any way shape or form. Which could include taking away the wealth and health and all that happy jazz.  Granted,  i understand this.  It isn't something i can't or haven't figured out.  It's more a problem of holding that attitude and understanding through the midst of manifesting.  Either way.

I think it's akin to the parable of plants.  You know,  the truth that we can provide the food,  the water,  regulate the sunlight,  but it's the life of that seed that will ultimately do it.  We can only do so much.  We can create the perfect environment of flow to allow source and light to blend in our lives and bless us in amazing ways,  but it is,  (and i hate using this phrase)  "the will of God" that decides our fate with it.  Because it's in the balance of all the energy that decides what we need to work on.  I can accept this.  I accept whatever source has to dish out to balance all karma (be it transmuted through grace or whatever) because i want balance ultimately.  This is our job,  to see all the dirty darkness in our lives and in the world and to balance it with the light. 

When i look at terrible things in my life or in the world,  i feel grateful.  I am grateful to experience it.  To be able to recognize it as a balancing and a playing out of what needs to happen. I feel blessed that my mind no longer works in such a way,  and i feel peace as it unfolds.  When in boredom,  i have a hard time focusing.  I recognize all the good stuff and want to take my attention to it,  but i end up taking the emotion of gratefulness for granted.  It's harder to fully feel the appreciation all the time because it's always there.  Everything that happens,  ever, is a blessing.  (I wonder if you can feel me losing focus.  Haha. This is where I'm trying to work it out. )
I think that by personifying source into an entity,  we can then look at that entity as someone you don't want to take for granted.  It's easier to thank them and feel humbled before this great and awesome source entity,  than it is some abstract goodness of energy that dictates balance. It's easier to ask (in accordance with knowing,  but asking is gentler)  in humbleness,  knowing that your balance may not go that way,  but to have the courage and trust to know source is all things and we are all by proxy, and this entity is love.  And that love wants us to experience what we wish.  Which could be these amazing things we're focusing on.
But to not forget that this source is that same energy that decides if a plant will grow or die.

And no matter the decision,  it's perfect.  It's perfect for our growth.  It's perfect for everything,  whatever is decided.  But by asking in humbleness and contrition,  we are asking,  essentially for grace to cover the "sins" or,  moments of blasphemy where we denied the power within us.  Grace is restoring imbalance with light,  love,  forgiveness,  humbleness. 

Okay.  I think that's all i needed to type today.  Going to mediate on this now.

Love.

Thoughts

How can I look at motherhood, and my life, as what I want when I don't want it? By being in the now. By practicing appreciation and loving the steps that I'm taking, knowing that every step that I take is bringing me closer to my perfect self and Light.
I think I need to focus on appreciation more again. Really be here and now. And therefore be less on my phone, less eating for nothing. I am drifting. I feel dizzy and floating, but I'm looking for the answer in the wrong way. I need to be and to be, without fear or judgement. I try to be gentle with myself when I'm disconnecting. Which I feel is happening right now. It's really hard when large changes happen in the world. Atmosphere. But that grounding is what I need.
I should figure a couple staple grounding things, stones, exercises, thoughts, and work them. Do yoga. And then when I can find a laptop source, I'll work that way too.
Love.

Color wheel

I also wanted to write real quick on something else I had thought of during mediation.
The whole idea of good vs evil. I've been of the understanding that there is no duality in that. But I always had a hard time explaining it. I read somewhere recently that it's all light and love, just different frequencies. It took till today for that to click.

Yes there are things on earth that kind of suck. I more or less figure it's for our development, because it is true that with bad you understand good. But understanding it is all light and love. Everything is from Source. Some are of lower frequencies.
If you think in terms of color, red is a lower frequency than purple. But red is no less an important or wonderful color just because of that. They are merely different and all of use in the grand scheme of things.

I hope that makes sense because I found it an incredible understanding for me. :-)

Love.