Color wheel

I also wanted to write real quick on something else I had thought of during mediation.
The whole idea of good vs evil. I've been of the understanding that there is no duality in that. But I always had a hard time explaining it. I read somewhere recently that it's all light and love, just different frequencies. It took till today for that to click.

Yes there are things on earth that kind of suck. I more or less figure it's for our development, because it is true that with bad you understand good. But understanding it is all light and love. Everything is from Source. Some are of lower frequencies.
If you think in terms of color, red is a lower frequency than purple. But red is no less an important or wonderful color just because of that. They are merely different and all of use in the grand scheme of things.

I hope that makes sense because I found it an incredible understanding for me. :-)

Love.

Love

Love is never ending. And it puffs up and expands like bubbles being blown up through a straw in a glass.

And since love in unconditional, it breeds gratefulness. Gratefulness comes as a sort of pay back for the unconditional love that flows. And it also starts to breed more love, as another expression of pay back. To extend it to others, which just continues the cycle.

Love.

Think about these things.

It is how we should be viewing everything. Because if we start counting our blessings, then we start to recognize that every single moment and every single thing that we see is worthy of praise and gratitude, We start to love the world in a new light.

If I don't appreciate my husband while he's here, when he's gone, it would hurt more to consider that I didn't give his gifts and wonderment the energy and love that it deserved. It's like I would waste it. Everything deserves our love and wonderment. Everything deserves our appreciation because in everything, life and growth happens. In everything, there is god.

This is how we learn to meditate on life, on everything. Meditation is the state of oneness and love with Source. Meditation is recognition of the energy that is in everything and being a part of that. And when we get to that point, it is a point of prayer and realization.

I watched a video with Oprah and Brene Brown. They talked about how joy and gratitude are always conjoined. I've felt a lot of joy missed. I've felt like life is kind of boring and just meandering along and here we are just dealing with it. Which, to an extent, I still believe. Because when you realize the big show of it all, you start to wonder what the point is. My husband's parents sent a book to me once, One Thousand Gifts. It's about a woman who decided to start journaling every blessing she saw in life, until she got to a thousand. I'm on 11 and it already seems daunting, but just the same as running, I know this is what I need to do right now. It's like I'm starting to really root myself in the necessities. A lot of my life had been lip service with this stuff. That's why it's so important to be ripped down to our skivvies, so we can fully see the reasons why we do and believe certain things. I feel it in my core that my exercise is so important. I feel it so deep that I need to do this to learn to cultivate joy and gratitude. And this will in turn translate to love. And my meditation will blossom as a result. This is all timely and happening for a reason. And it needs to happen for my own development and for our species. I'm a bit nervous as I have a feeling that I will soon be going towards a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle. Currently I strive for a plant based diet with little bread and little meat. But I can tell that this is something I'm going to have to face and make some decisions on.

I'm so proud of myself. I'm proud of what I've become. What I believe. What I stand up for. There is always so much more. And I am eager to get to a place where the world settles a little. Because it feels in upheaval. Maybe that's the eagerness and anxiousness I'm feeling so often. The Earth's. Because it isn't coming from me. But I think I am actually afraid that what I am becoming has no place in where I am now.

I have a hard time talking to anyone anymore about any of this, even my husband (though I don't keep anything from him.) I feel constantly like I don't belong here. I don't know what to do. I can only trust it will work out. And work on myself in the time being.

Love.

Labor

I feel like I did the week before my wedding. Like I did a couple days before I gave birth. Anticipation. Let's just get this over with already. That's how I feel.

I know it's coming. If not now then still relatively soon. And I know I have things I can work on it try it whatever, but I feel like this is it and I just want to jump in.

I have found my purpose in life and it's everything I ever dreamed it would be.

Hash and spam.

{I know I just posted. I had written this weeks ago and forgot about it. Upon reading it, I feel like it did actually get some good groundwork thoughts out and I wanted to post it because I feel like it may help someone. If there's anyone out there like me. Hahahah.}


I've been doing some thinking, so forgive me if this is a little jumbled.
I need to work this out though, because it's turning into a pretty devastating pattern. Wherein I absolutely abhor my past, even down to how I act years or even months prior, and I can't wait to be old in hopes that it will change. And if not, then hey, at least I'll be dead soon.

I have been trying to figure out why I have such an issue with my past. Not just the Christian influences, but the parts that really, truly, only I see in myself.
My mom likes to tell a story about me when I was a toddler. I wanted to unbuckle the seat belt, but it was ridiculously hot, and I physically couldn't do it, so she unbuckled it. I threw a massive tantrum and wouldn't fully go into the restaurant we were at because of how mad I was. I had old women come up to me and give me the whole, "aw, look how cute" deal, and my mom was in there waiting.
She sees it as a stubborn display. How toddlers act sometimes. But when I remember that moment, and so many afterwards, I see it highlighting my pride. And then compounded with embarrassment when the women came over to me.
This may not seem like much of a memory. Much of anything really. But thinking about this helped me make a connection with most memories that I remember of myself. Either it has a heavy influence of pride. Or it has a heavy influence of embarrassment.

Now, I know that teenagers, and a lot of kids in general typically feel like they know all. But this was not like that. It was exacerbating my Christian life. If I was being humble and putting others first, I had this immense pride in doing it. If I spoke out of turn, it was beyond embarrassment because it was like my pride took over and showed my true colors.

Which, I feel added to the self-deprecating idea that I was worth shit if I wasn't in a pristine mindset within a Christian life. Either I overstepped myself, and truly faltered, which gave me reason to beat myself up. Or I was being too prideful and obviously thinking too highly of myself. Which gave me another reason to beat myself up.
It was ALWAYS one or the other. I can't think of a moment where I didn't have to play that field, to walk the line, to be in sin one way or the other. And asking for forgiveness for every step of my life can be utterly exhausting. Yes, yes, I know. "We were born to sin." But I shouldn't hate myself.

It hurts because I feel like I can't be myself.

So.

This all in mind, I started thinking about how I am a Leo. My mom had been surprised recently when I mentioned that I don't like that story because it highlights my pride. She honestly hadn't looked at it like that, but it was all I could see. She mentioned how that might be where the Leo came from since she couldn't really see it otherwise. The pride. The strong stance. All that.

Then this past day or so, I started to consider that it's a different kind of pride. It's not a feeling of knowing all. It's not a feeling of I can out do anyone who comes near me. Rather than pride, it's an intense optimism. I cannot help but look at everything as yet another perfect opportunity for things to go well. I look at each instance with such a "knowing" that things will eventually work out and hey, maybe this will be when it does. That's where my pride is coming from. And the embarrassment can be linked to that post about how difficult it is for me to accept that life isn't fair. I'm doing better with that, but embarrassment and shame still haunt me for considering that life can be so nice.
Does this make sense to anyone?

And it's hitting me hard because this, like constantly berating myself, it is increasingly exhausting optimism as well. The mental gymnastics I go through all the time just to shine optimism, of which, if I let go of, I fear I'll fall into depression, keep me constantly thinking. I am constantly researching and learning about spiritual things not for a replacement, (because I know what I believe now), but more for validation. Worth.
My depression usually hits when I feel trapped. When I feel there is absolutely no way out. And I'll be the first to tell you that if there is even the smallest glimmer of hope, I will build up a story that sets me up to believe in the next day.
And I could no longer hold on to Christianity because while it's touted to be the basis of love and grace, it provided me with an outlet to hate myself. It's not optimistic to believe in the love of Jesus Christ and try to share that love on the basis of fear. You will go to hell if you don't believe. Are you "truly" saved? Few will enter. Only few know His voice. This seclusive and close minded arena practically took me into a mental schizophrenia. Double speak, if you will.

I feel so much more free and available to explore curiosities, allow other people to be different and believe in different things, and accept more of what's happening my life. But it's now hard for me to accept that other people are as accepting. Because I still feel "watched."


I got off on a tangent. I apologize. Like I said, I'm hashing stuff out. I think this is becoming two different topics, here. But upon reading this again, I think it's a necessary thing to work out and think about. Thank you for listening, and being gentle.

Love

Allow

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things.
Philippians 4:8 {New King James Version}

I've had this scripture running in my head for a couple weeks now. It's so simple and evident when there is something helpful right in front of you.  What a beautiful tool and gentle reminder of how even in the thick of life, we can still stop and appreciate it.


I've been playing around with gemstones lately. After one particular meditation, I had a spirit suggest stones as a way to help strengthen my heart. I have often felt my heart was weak, both physically and emotionally. If we look at my blood type too, A+, I had read in a blood type book that this kind tends to have issues with the heart. That's why I started running again. To get my heart and lungs stronger, and also to shake up my lymphatic system. As a bonus, I am remembering how beautiful and peaceful the early morning sunrise is, and I am trying to incorporate that into my heartfelt blessings.
As a way to help otherwise, I found out that my birthstone, peridot is a stone that is very beneficial to my heart. I also picked up pink tourmaline to wear with it. I got a small spiral necklace ball that can hold both and I've been wearing it every day since. That was about two or so weeks ago, and I can definitely say I'm more emotional.
The past couple days, I've had a more bizarre sensation. It's like I've had my heart broken. Really broken. But I have no memory or thoughts associated with it. But my heart actually physically hurts as if I had a broken heart.


I found a couple websites that are keeping me a little more "tuned in" you could say, with others like me. Finally. The one main one is based in Australia, transients.info. They are doing a lot to keep people posted with the current Earth changes, and frequency shifts. The sensations associated, and I'm able to put a lot of things into perspective because of it. It's encouraging and I'm so glad I was able to find something so helpful.

But with all this, I really need to let go and accept it all. I'm doing better, finding my way, and trying, above all, to do it with peace and love. To see things as not dire, but rather as just a change and allow it to influence me how it will. And to be grateful for it. Because there is no reason to fret. I'm not afraid of death. I'm not afraid of life. I've merely found that I have intense ennui. (Sometimes that's worse. Haha)

Love.

The universe

I ask what it is that I'm seeking in this life, I get "the universe." More specifically a desire to be. To find happiness and joy within being.
I ask what I'm doing wrong, I get that I need to branch out and have fun.
I ask what my biggest problem is, I get that I'm too obsessed with money and creating a base of wealth and being. I'm missing what I need.
I ask what I need to do, I get that I need to find balance for my inner needs.
I ask what my biggest inner need is, I get that I'm terribly inverted and way too much in my head. The hermit.

This really make sense. I feel though, that if there were one path that people would be clamoring for, it would be to have a life to just enjoy and have fun. This is what I need to do, and I find it so hard, terrifying, and feel it would be unsatisfying.
I've found myself over and over again asking what the point of this all is. Every day stuff is so terribly boring and unstimulating. And yet at the psychic meeting, what was it I was told... Appreciate the day to day stuff. The journey is what makes it worth it. Does anyone else find this to be the hardest thing ever?

I could go into how I used to have this in high school. Simple pleasures, joy. When you step back though and realize how many things you need to pay attention to otherwise crap will hit the fan? Or how on guard you need to be with your beliefs otherwise one major event can topple you over? I suppose that's where the balance needs to come. But I feel I'm at the end of my hermit time and need to get back out there. It is so scary.

I need to write up a plan for myself. Thoughts and actions to make myself understand that pursuing happiness is not a lost cause, it's not worthless. My happiness is in this myth that everything can be figured out. It's in my daydreaming about all the millions of things I'd like to accomplish, chastising myself for not accomplishing it, then figuring new paths. Working out and over and beyond different ways to view life so I feel less like a failure and more like someone who is forgiving and understanding of other's downfalls. And then seeing how worthless this plays into a career for myself and how I'll die feeling useless.

Sounds pretty great, huh? Cause that's pretty much it. We could look at my resolutions for the year. Make new friends. There's a biggy, right there. Revert back to how I was in high school. Loving and carefree, poetic and starry eyed before I figured out what life can do to you.

I don't mean this to sound bitter. I'm not bitter. I'm confused how we can see a life that is actually worth it without ignoring the mental gymnastics some of us need to go through to not end up at a therapist.

It's almost like I've gotten so accustomed to keeping my guard up, I can't imagine lowering my shield. I really think a lot of it has to do with Saturn. Every seventh year it's like the universe decides to gear up a batting cage with my name on it and rather than giving me a bat, for a couple years it just lobs every huge softball at me it can get it's hands on.

Alcohol doesn't seem to loosen me up. Any other suggestions?

Love.

Running together.

Since before Felix was born, I've felt there was a disconnect. I never felt some overwhelming love for the baby growing in me. I was very much in my head, constantly trying to keep track of the sensations my body was having and allowing myself the patience and gentleness to act on them, thus giving me one of the greatest pregnancies ever. After Felix was born, I never felt that overwhelming love where you look at the baby and cry tears of joy. I was exhausted, afraid to sleep and then cycled into sickness. Felix is just closing in on two and I only catch mere glimpses of that ridiculous overwhelming love. I'll have more moments chastising myself for how much I'm taking him for granted than moments of appreciation. And those moments of appreciation are clouded heavily by my constant remembrances that it's not because of me that he is as amazing as he is. I didn't cause him to be chatty and therefore quick to learn good communication with me. I didn't teach him to laugh at every ridiculous thing. It certainly wasn't me smothering him with kisses to where that's all he wants to do with me. I maintained quite a distance because for the majority of our time together, I was hanging on for dear life simply hoping I wouldn't kill myself nor take my frustrations out on this wonderful boy who is just trying to experience things, and yet already has an innate desire to see me happy. He kisses me when he notices I'm sad. He hugs me all over when he does something I didn't approve of. It's like his name was chosen as to be what everyone around him would experience. And yet I feel compassion and guilt, but not love. Last mother's day, I tried to avoid all contact with anyone I knew would wish me a happy mother's day. Joel got me a card and I cried and cried and refused to open it for a while because of the guilt I felt not feeling like a mother; I barely recognize myself as being in that little club. And I often feel like I don't deserve it since I don't appreciate it nearly as much as a lot of my friends do. As pretty much all mother's I have meet do. I felt like a bit of an imposter and refused to accept any fanfare to the contrary. I can't say that much has changed. I don't mind motherhood as much. Felix is truly a wonderful little boy and I'd have to be crazy not to see that. But in the grander picture, motherhood still haunts me and that elusive strand of love is one of the biggest fears I have to succumb to.

New years. New beginnings.

I have never in my life made a new year's resolution. I found them silly, and not worth my time since, if at some point, I wanted to accomplish something, well then no better time to start than the present. It seemed ridiculous to pick an arbitrary moment at the beginning of a new year to make sweeping statements about myself in hopes of a better future.

This is the first year I've considered it, and quite frankly, it scares me. Because if I make such a statement then I'd consider it no less than being written in stone.

I don't normally fall into fear of "things to do". It is those times of fear that I generally grab it by the horns and hold on knowing that overcoming that fear will be worth it. I do not like fear. This may be why I'm so concerned with knowledge, with questions, and understanding my mind in regards to spiritual matters. This is very important to me.

As an anecdote, in the past year of health issues, I've really come to realize the way our health affects our mood. And not just in a sense of depression because crappy things keep happening. But there are parasites that instigate depression. A clogged liver builds up anger. An unhealthy set of lungs promote fear. Our bodies are so wired to our emotions that there can be no way that our lives are simply a response to what happens. Not even touching on any of the spirituality that colors it different.
I say this to show that fear has snuck up on me because of health. Because of such a dependent and depressed way I was in, it reconfigured how I was running my life so much, that I am petrified to even type out what resolutions I've considered for this up coming year.

But this year is different. With that bastard Saturn finally passing away from me, I'm given another chance to resume some order in my life and it just so happens to be at the beginning of a new year. Saturn is a topic for another blog, let me tell you.

So. In hopes of giving myself courage, I will preface my own thoughts with a statement to myself.

No matter what happens, Angela, I am proud of you. You are doing the best you can, and if you do not accomplish these things, do not consider yourself a failure, but rather strong enough to try again and give yourself something to be proud of.

Aside from finishing up my healing, which is a long time coming, and aside from finally assuming we'll be out on our own again, heaven permitting, in a different state, I hope to accomplish these few things for myself. For courage, self worth, and remembrance of what I can do.

1. I want to teach at least one herb class.
2. Make at least three new friends. (God this scares me the most.)
3. I want to laugh and be as I was before I turned 21. When I genuinely loved seeing beauty in the world, and laughed because I understood the joy to be had.
4. Get at least one book on digestive bitters and come up with three recipes I want to try.
5. (This one isn't as solid as the others, but what the hell.) Finish a rough draft of my book.

So there you go. It's written out and scary and what I'm hoping to do for myself. This is my period of rebirth and rebuilding the aftermath of Saturn's difficulties.

Love.