I ask what it is that I'm seeking in this life, I get "the universe." More specifically a desire to be. To find happiness and joy within being.
I ask what I'm doing wrong, I get that I need to branch out and have fun.
I ask what my biggest problem is, I get that I'm too obsessed with money and creating a base of wealth and being. I'm missing what I need.
I ask what I need to do, I get that I need to find balance for my inner needs.
I ask what my biggest inner need is, I get that I'm terribly inverted and way too much in my head. The hermit.
This really make sense. I feel though, that if there were one path that people would be clamoring for, it would be to have a life to just enjoy and have fun. This is what I need to do, and I find it so hard, terrifying, and feel it would be unsatisfying.
I've found myself over and over again asking what the point of this all is. Every day stuff is so terribly boring and unstimulating. And yet at the psychic meeting, what was it I was told... Appreciate the day to day stuff. The journey is what makes it worth it. Does anyone else find this to be the hardest thing ever?
I could go into how I used to have this in high school. Simple pleasures, joy. When you step back though and realize how many things you need to pay attention to otherwise crap will hit the fan? Or how on guard you need to be with your beliefs otherwise one major event can topple you over? I suppose that's where the balance needs to come. But I feel I'm at the end of my hermit time and need to get back out there. It is so scary.
I need to write up a plan for myself. Thoughts and actions to make myself understand that pursuing happiness is not a lost cause, it's not worthless. My happiness is in this myth that everything can be figured out. It's in my daydreaming about all the millions of things I'd like to accomplish, chastising myself for not accomplishing it, then figuring new paths. Working out and over and beyond different ways to view life so I feel less like a failure and more like someone who is forgiving and understanding of other's downfalls. And then seeing how worthless this plays into a career for myself and how I'll die feeling useless.
Sounds pretty great, huh? Cause that's pretty much it. We could look at my resolutions for the year. Make new friends. There's a biggy, right there. Revert back to how I was in high school. Loving and carefree, poetic and starry eyed before I figured out what life can do to you.
I don't mean this to sound bitter. I'm not bitter. I'm confused how we can see a life that is actually worth it without ignoring the mental gymnastics some of us need to go through to not end up at a therapist.
It's almost like I've gotten so accustomed to keeping my guard up, I can't imagine lowering my shield. I really think a lot of it has to do with Saturn. Every seventh year it's like the universe decides to gear up a batting cage with my name on it and rather than giving me a bat, for a couple years it just lobs every huge softball at me it can get it's hands on.
Alcohol doesn't seem to loosen me up. Any other suggestions?
Love.
