Since before Felix was born, I've felt there was a disconnect. I never felt some overwhelming love for the baby growing in me. I was very much in my head, constantly trying to keep track of the sensations my body was having and allowing myself the patience and gentleness to act on them, thus giving me one of the greatest pregnancies ever. After Felix was born, I never felt that overwhelming love where you look at the baby and cry tears of joy. I was exhausted, afraid to sleep and then cycled into sickness. Felix is just closing in on two and I only catch mere glimpses of that ridiculous overwhelming love. I'll have more moments chastising myself for how much I'm taking him for granted than moments of appreciation. And those moments of appreciation are clouded heavily by my constant remembrances that it's not because of me that he is as amazing as he is. I didn't cause him to be chatty and therefore quick to learn good communication with me. I didn't teach him to laugh at every ridiculous thing. It certainly wasn't me smothering him with kisses to where that's all he wants to do with me. I maintained quite a distance because for the majority of our time together, I was hanging on for dear life simply hoping I wouldn't kill myself nor take my frustrations out on this wonderful boy who is just trying to experience things, and yet already has an innate desire to see me happy. He kisses me when he notices I'm sad. He hugs me all over when he does something I didn't approve of. It's like his name was chosen as to be what everyone around him would experience. And yet I feel compassion and guilt, but not love. Last mother's day, I tried to avoid all contact with anyone I knew would wish me a happy mother's day. Joel got me a card and I cried and cried and refused to open it for a while because of the guilt I felt not feeling like a mother; I barely recognize myself as being in that little club. And I often feel like I don't deserve it since I don't appreciate it nearly as much as a lot of my friends do. As pretty much all mother's I have meet do. I felt like a bit of an imposter and refused to accept any fanfare to the contrary. I can't say that much has changed. I don't mind motherhood as much. Felix is truly a wonderful little boy and I'd have to be crazy not to see that. But in the grander picture, motherhood still haunts me and that elusive strand of love is one of the biggest fears I have to succumb to.
