Rambling thoughts.

I was thinking about my past a little. I wonder if the reason I can't focus on the present and be content is because I'm not fully satisfied... or... I don't have it figured out yet just how I managed to screw up so many portions of my life.

Case in point. I blindly followed a religion that not only made me lose friends, it made me so ignorant to how it was ruining myself, financially and emotionally. It made me over focus on everything else because I thought the religion couldn't possibly be the issue... and when nothing got worked out, I was left with shambles unable to reconcile my past with my future.

Fast forward to the baby. I was so blindly following my conviction to breastfeed through hell and high water that I was willing to succumb to depression, months of sickness, and anger.

I suppose one could presume that this same blind grip on whatever I happen to lend it to could also be why I am blindly obsessive about other things. Money, for one. What I believe and why I do, for another. And for whatever reason, I cannot reason with myself to just let it go, because these are perfect round things that should fit in that damned square hole. And I'll be damned if I don't kill myself trying.

One could say this is passion. Hey, I and many of my wonderful following friends have said so. That I am a passionate person. But I'm starting to realize a lot of it is blind ignorance and anger that causes me to do this. Angry at what you ask? For one that I can think of off the top of my head, I am so incredibly and undeniably angry that life is not fair. I have been given so many different belief systems that all say that I should be able to direct my life with intent. That whole attraction junk. The whole, follow God and He will bless you beyond your wildest dreams b.s. And rather than accept that I am the only one in charge of my destiny, I am still beating that stupid block, trying to make it be what I want it, nay, need it to be.

I just don't get how so many people can follow and espouse such obviously erred information... and how I could have been one of them.

That whole 'life isn't fair' deal ends up filtering into every stupid aspect of my life. It's not fair, then, that I cannot be rich. That I can't start clean here. That I can't travel.
So every portion of my life wherein I've realized something didn't go as planned, is just more manure to heap on my personal pile of this-life-is-a-piece-of-shit heap. And damn it all, it will never change. Life, I mean. But I can't form any basic rules or, as we should say, values, to govern my life with, that all of this stuff will fit in to, be forgiven, and allow me to continue with life in a much happier, and accepting form of existence.

I feel like I'm cursed, and that difficult things will keep happening, not because I just need to learn how to cope with them, but because I can't see it in any other light than 'this is my curse.'

I'm going to end there. I am sure someone, somewhere is going through these exact same thoughts. You can chose to offer some wisdom if you have it, and I may or may not listen to it, depending. ;-)

Love.

a long long time

I've not much to say. And since I'm doing this on my phone, this will probably be pretty short.
The staph is mostly gone. Keeping up my immune system, applying an aloe vera and goldenseal mixture a few times a day, stopping nursing, and finally able to take oil of oregano and goldenseal internally seems to be taking care of it.
So now I'm on the task of the candida junk I've accumulated. To start, I have been taking a liver cleanse tea for the past day and a half. Already I've had anger outbursts. I think if I tried the candida diet right now, my body would freak out. Because there is no place for the toxins to go. I have so much congestion from the past couple years, it's unreal. All the hormones from the pregnancy, birth, nursing, PPD. Everything is on the process of cleansing.

And that's what's keeping me going.

I'm reminded often of how little I have to offer. But I have a great passion for language and travel, so that's my focus right now. I'm learning Portuguese, and when something comes up, highlighting another thing I wish I knew about, I remind myself that right now I'm learning a language, and that's good for me right now.

It's been a long grueling ordeal but I'm finally to a part of it where I can do things. Productive things towards my health. And that's something.

Love