Think about these things.

It is how we should be viewing everything. Because if we start counting our blessings, then we start to recognize that every single moment and every single thing that we see is worthy of praise and gratitude, We start to love the world in a new light.

If I don't appreciate my husband while he's here, when he's gone, it would hurt more to consider that I didn't give his gifts and wonderment the energy and love that it deserved. It's like I would waste it. Everything deserves our love and wonderment. Everything deserves our appreciation because in everything, life and growth happens. In everything, there is god.

This is how we learn to meditate on life, on everything. Meditation is the state of oneness and love with Source. Meditation is recognition of the energy that is in everything and being a part of that. And when we get to that point, it is a point of prayer and realization.

I watched a video with Oprah and Brene Brown. They talked about how joy and gratitude are always conjoined. I've felt a lot of joy missed. I've felt like life is kind of boring and just meandering along and here we are just dealing with it. Which, to an extent, I still believe. Because when you realize the big show of it all, you start to wonder what the point is. My husband's parents sent a book to me once, One Thousand Gifts. It's about a woman who decided to start journaling every blessing she saw in life, until she got to a thousand. I'm on 11 and it already seems daunting, but just the same as running, I know this is what I need to do right now. It's like I'm starting to really root myself in the necessities. A lot of my life had been lip service with this stuff. That's why it's so important to be ripped down to our skivvies, so we can fully see the reasons why we do and believe certain things. I feel it in my core that my exercise is so important. I feel it so deep that I need to do this to learn to cultivate joy and gratitude. And this will in turn translate to love. And my meditation will blossom as a result. This is all timely and happening for a reason. And it needs to happen for my own development and for our species. I'm a bit nervous as I have a feeling that I will soon be going towards a vegetarian/vegan lifestyle. Currently I strive for a plant based diet with little bread and little meat. But I can tell that this is something I'm going to have to face and make some decisions on.

I'm so proud of myself. I'm proud of what I've become. What I believe. What I stand up for. There is always so much more. And I am eager to get to a place where the world settles a little. Because it feels in upheaval. Maybe that's the eagerness and anxiousness I'm feeling so often. The Earth's. Because it isn't coming from me. But I think I am actually afraid that what I am becoming has no place in where I am now.

I have a hard time talking to anyone anymore about any of this, even my husband (though I don't keep anything from him.) I feel constantly like I don't belong here. I don't know what to do. I can only trust it will work out. And work on myself in the time being.

Love.