Hash and spam.

{I know I just posted. I had written this weeks ago and forgot about it. Upon reading it, I feel like it did actually get some good groundwork thoughts out and I wanted to post it because I feel like it may help someone. If there's anyone out there like me. Hahahah.}


I've been doing some thinking, so forgive me if this is a little jumbled.
I need to work this out though, because it's turning into a pretty devastating pattern. Wherein I absolutely abhor my past, even down to how I act years or even months prior, and I can't wait to be old in hopes that it will change. And if not, then hey, at least I'll be dead soon.

I have been trying to figure out why I have such an issue with my past. Not just the Christian influences, but the parts that really, truly, only I see in myself.
My mom likes to tell a story about me when I was a toddler. I wanted to unbuckle the seat belt, but it was ridiculously hot, and I physically couldn't do it, so she unbuckled it. I threw a massive tantrum and wouldn't fully go into the restaurant we were at because of how mad I was. I had old women come up to me and give me the whole, "aw, look how cute" deal, and my mom was in there waiting.
She sees it as a stubborn display. How toddlers act sometimes. But when I remember that moment, and so many afterwards, I see it highlighting my pride. And then compounded with embarrassment when the women came over to me.
This may not seem like much of a memory. Much of anything really. But thinking about this helped me make a connection with most memories that I remember of myself. Either it has a heavy influence of pride. Or it has a heavy influence of embarrassment.

Now, I know that teenagers, and a lot of kids in general typically feel like they know all. But this was not like that. It was exacerbating my Christian life. If I was being humble and putting others first, I had this immense pride in doing it. If I spoke out of turn, it was beyond embarrassment because it was like my pride took over and showed my true colors.

Which, I feel added to the self-deprecating idea that I was worth shit if I wasn't in a pristine mindset within a Christian life. Either I overstepped myself, and truly faltered, which gave me reason to beat myself up. Or I was being too prideful and obviously thinking too highly of myself. Which gave me another reason to beat myself up.
It was ALWAYS one or the other. I can't think of a moment where I didn't have to play that field, to walk the line, to be in sin one way or the other. And asking for forgiveness for every step of my life can be utterly exhausting. Yes, yes, I know. "We were born to sin." But I shouldn't hate myself.

It hurts because I feel like I can't be myself.

So.

This all in mind, I started thinking about how I am a Leo. My mom had been surprised recently when I mentioned that I don't like that story because it highlights my pride. She honestly hadn't looked at it like that, but it was all I could see. She mentioned how that might be where the Leo came from since she couldn't really see it otherwise. The pride. The strong stance. All that.

Then this past day or so, I started to consider that it's a different kind of pride. It's not a feeling of knowing all. It's not a feeling of I can out do anyone who comes near me. Rather than pride, it's an intense optimism. I cannot help but look at everything as yet another perfect opportunity for things to go well. I look at each instance with such a "knowing" that things will eventually work out and hey, maybe this will be when it does. That's where my pride is coming from. And the embarrassment can be linked to that post about how difficult it is for me to accept that life isn't fair. I'm doing better with that, but embarrassment and shame still haunt me for considering that life can be so nice.
Does this make sense to anyone?

And it's hitting me hard because this, like constantly berating myself, it is increasingly exhausting optimism as well. The mental gymnastics I go through all the time just to shine optimism, of which, if I let go of, I fear I'll fall into depression, keep me constantly thinking. I am constantly researching and learning about spiritual things not for a replacement, (because I know what I believe now), but more for validation. Worth.
My depression usually hits when I feel trapped. When I feel there is absolutely no way out. And I'll be the first to tell you that if there is even the smallest glimmer of hope, I will build up a story that sets me up to believe in the next day.
And I could no longer hold on to Christianity because while it's touted to be the basis of love and grace, it provided me with an outlet to hate myself. It's not optimistic to believe in the love of Jesus Christ and try to share that love on the basis of fear. You will go to hell if you don't believe. Are you "truly" saved? Few will enter. Only few know His voice. This seclusive and close minded arena practically took me into a mental schizophrenia. Double speak, if you will.

I feel so much more free and available to explore curiosities, allow other people to be different and believe in different things, and accept more of what's happening my life. But it's now hard for me to accept that other people are as accepting. Because I still feel "watched."


I got off on a tangent. I apologize. Like I said, I'm hashing stuff out. I think this is becoming two different topics, here. But upon reading this again, I think it's a necessary thing to work out and think about. Thank you for listening, and being gentle.

Love