Solitude

I feel,  more or less,  on my own.  That is what it feels like my soul decided when i was getting ready for this life. 

I am an independent soul. One that wants to travel.  One that never intended to marry,  let alone have a child.  (You can imagine how jarring that was/ is. )
One that recently discovered her asexuality.  (Equally jarring). It's like I'm meeting this person for the first time,  having the first opportunity of not having to succumb to what everyone else tells me i am.  Or,  what i suppose everyone wants me to be.  There are a lot of labels that help to put a pin on a map at that moment on the journey through the sea,  understanding the course will alter.  But it also feels like this can't possibly be me.  I never realized just How much i wanted to be independent.  Or how much of a different person i was fighting to be,  but never being allowed.

It feels lonely at times though,  and i don't know if it's because of who i am,  if i have some secret wording on my forehead that only our spiritual selves can read,  telling others to leave me alone.  Maybe I'm exuding that sense.  Maybe my plumb line for it is skewed because I'm including Internet relationships.  But I'm feeling passed over.

This can go deeper,  because of traumas I've recently learned and have been dealing with.  With these traumas comes new self discovery,  and uneasiness.  Remembering my worth,  my inherent holiness and foregoing the feeling of unworthiness and unlovability.
But it's difficult.  It's relearning social mores and acceptance.  Learning to trust all over again that whispers aren't being said behind my back and that i truly am being accepted and loved for who i am.  Even when i don't know who i am,  ultimately.

I feel like i don't fit in my life and body anymore.  I'm even more different than i was before and,  frankly,  i don't know that i like the person I'm discovering.  That person now has an entire life attached to her.  One that doesn't necessarily fit well with the souls discovery. 

I almost wish i could start over.  All of it.  My childhood, through my discovery of understanding myself and what i thought of love and expression.  A portion of me hates my life.  I hate the pigeon hole i got stuck in.  The decisions I've made and all that I've allowed to take over.  I've been gobsmacked by myself. 

Where do i go from here.