Expansive

I'm afraid to try. 
Ultimately I'm afraid that the effort that I'll have put in won't be good enough. Because i do still very much see our accomplishments as being significant to our worth.  I see everyone on a level and there are clear winners and clear losers.  Most things in life are looked upon as not being good enough and always there is someone better than you,  so why bother trying. 

This is so unhealthy,  but i also see childhood as being the only opportunity available to break through this stuff.  As if at some point in our lives,  it suddenly becomes stupid and a waste of time to exceed our limitations.  Why?  Why do i see it that way?

I fear that I'll end up spending the rest of my life trying to simply get past all this shit.  That there is always more internal work,  or that something will always come up and I'll be in a perpetual limbo of mediocrity.  The one behind because i couldn't get my shit together. What kind of a life am i giving myself.  God,  why can't i look past all this and seek the heights I've always wanted to attain.
I could point to my old standby that i just haven't found what i want to do.  That i don't know where I'm going in life. I think i mostly debunked that last year though,  when i agreed with myself that i do,  in fact,  know.  And that every step was perfect in its coordination towards my future.  That i was learning exactly what i needed to.

I hate being so tossed and turned by these waves,  having more and more physical ailments and emotional baggage come up that puts the spiritual development on the back burner simply because I'm "overwhelmed. "
Light,  please insert into the situation.  If there are outside interferences,  i kindly remove them and return it all to the light. 

I'm a fighter.  I always have been.  I feel pathetically weak and behind right now. But I'm certainly not going to lay down and quit.  Not when i have such an amazing view of myself.  This light body,  ever expanding.  Never held down on this earth. 

Love.